jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

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I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.


My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.


(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.


Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter


my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon


Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.


Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.