I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
You Might Also Like
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I only say “I love you” to
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.
I wonder what Twitter employees do at work to waste time