@TweetsByKaylee

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

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@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@usermcuserface

My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.

@TFLN

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

@bugbucket

my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon

@OfficialMizGin

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

@hero_ofthenight

Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.