@TheDailySchmuck

Jesus: *resurrected*

Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.

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@robknepper

“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”

“Staples?”

“No….Paperclips.”

@Dustinkcouch

mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: …all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.

me:

mugger: $7?

me: deal

@bartandsoul

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

@rolldiggity

When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”

@CaseyMichelle__

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here

@omgthatspunny

Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

@JillianKarger

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

@ManJuggs

Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

@jergarl

OMG
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
OMG
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else

-Dogs

@wolfmannjr

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward