@TheDailySchmuck

Jesus: *resurrected*

Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

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@tsm560

I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.

@ValeeGrrl

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

@david8hughes

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

@gothicaseas

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.

@TweetPotato314

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?