“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”
Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
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mugger: give me your money
me: what service do u provide
mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug
me: how much do u charge
mugger: …all. all ur money
me: be honest with yourself.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here
Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward