Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.
Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?