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@TheDailySchmuck: Jesus: *resurrected*
Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
@delusions_of: We're born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.
@dumbbeezie: Relationships are like houseplants, if they're mine they die
@elle91: When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
@alexlumaga: Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
@Kyle_Lippert: The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.