Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys