JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.


Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.


What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.


Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?


What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.


I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..


Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?

Me: How about some gravy?


I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.


Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.