@matt___nelson

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

@divyne_mess

Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.

@sgothreau

What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.

@Mark_Dubs

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

@BCMontgo

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@brakco

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@Playing_Dad

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Me: How about some gravy?

@butterwolf

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@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.