JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Optional boss fight.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill