@GrahamKritzer

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

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@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@Gre_Gone

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

@AngryRaccoon2

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@CorkyKneivel

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

@JayDee422

I’m close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word “awesome” 10 times in a row to describe a guy.

@phalguy

I’m sleeping in this morning.

Bladder: MUHAHAHAHA!!