Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.