JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.