Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn