Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
fed ex guy: here’s ur package
fed ex guy: sign
me: [blushing] scorpio
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?