@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

You Might Also Like

@DanMentos

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

@AnOrangeSNES

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

@HeyZeus666

I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.

@SteveOHellNo

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

@JonnyStallone

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@markydoodoo

The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.

@AdamBroud

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me