@DzNutz83
@DanMentos
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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@DanMentos
@AnOrangeSNES
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
@elle91
Looking at you, Jesus.
@HeyZeus666
I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
@disharryland
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
@SteveOHellNo
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
@JonnyStallone
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”
@uncle_fescue
Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
@markydoodoo
The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.
@AdamBroud
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me