@OctopusCaveman
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
@iwearaonesie
*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
@DomesticGoddss
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
@sofarrsogud
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
@markydoodoo
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
@clichedout
fed ex guy: here’s ur package
me: thx
fed ex guy: sign
me: [blushing] scorpio
@bartandsoul
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
@SeanEmeny
People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
@50NerdsofGrey
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
@djdarrellripley
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
@DzNutz83