@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

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@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

@iwearaonesie

*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@markydoodoo

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

@clichedout

fed ex guy: here’s ur package

me: thx

fed ex guy: sign

me: [blushing] scorpio

@bartandsoul

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

@SeanEmeny

People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?