Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”


[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*


I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name amen”


Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?


The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.


Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me