@pilau

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

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@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

@FrazzleMyGimp

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@EamonToPlease

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

@aotakeo

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

@LoveNLunchmeat

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@doktorj

A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night.

*twists ankle by the copier