@AnOrangeSNES

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

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@Just_Lee_

Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

@ClichedOut

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

@GrantTanaka

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?

@carlyken

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

@HavocMantis

I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

@hippieswordfish

*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
haha idiot
*checks email*
holy shit i won a million dollars??

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers