@AnOrangeSNES

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

- @AnOrangeSNES

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@TheToddWilliams

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

@kimmie_1980

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@Brampersandon_

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

@AimeeHelene1

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@Bob_Janke

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy