“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Cool shirt 🙂
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.