“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button