Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.