@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

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@SexyKitty975

Bro:hey how are you?
Me: eh, feeling stabby
B:
B:I’m afraid if I tell you that’s not a real word you’ll show me what it means.
Me: smart

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting an empty milk carton back in the fridge* ooooOooOooooo

@BuckyIsotope

November
Echo
Victor
Echo
Romeo
Golf
Oscar
November
November
Alfa
Golf
India
Victor
Echo
Yankee
Oscar
Uniform
Uniform
Papa

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

@Prof_Peejay

Me: “You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass.”
Him: “So there’s still a chance?”
Me: “Let me ask my unicorn.”

@sarcasticmommy4

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

@iLick_sheDrip

Stop editing ya’ll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.