Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You Might Also Like
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If Earth was a rented apartment, ain’t NOOOO WAAAAAY we’re getting our security deposit back.
beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.
mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!
condom: *walks away laughing*
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”
Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak