Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

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My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.


If Earth was a rented apartment, ain’t NOOOO WAAAAAY we’re getting our security deposit back.


beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*


“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent


My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”


I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.


Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.


“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”

Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.


Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak