Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !