@animaldrumss

Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers

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@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@SirEviscerate

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@fanofhell

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar

@CakeThrottle

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@brandonIee

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

@UnFitz

I’ve learned from my mistakes. I make bigger and better mistakes than ever now.