[watching Chef Ramsay berate yet another dolt]
Me: *peeling a banana like a potato* what audacity believing they belonged in a kitchen
Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers
You Might Also Like
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.