I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Writing, She Murdered.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.