jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.