I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
sleeping beauty
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.