Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”