Jesus: *turns water into wine*

Me: nice

Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*

Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit

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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there


Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.


[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip


Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?


Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]



reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it


me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you


*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*


her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall


Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.