do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Jesus: *turns water into wine*
Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*
Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.