Jesus: *turns water into wine*

Me: nice

Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*

Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit

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I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.


[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”


Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”


There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.


Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!


Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.


Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.


I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself


Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.