Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.