[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.