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@LMHPhotog: Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him.
"Who unfollowed me?"
@Papa_Mex: I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
@Staggfilms: ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
@peterjames48: You're leaving Twitter? For good? That's too bad. We'll miss you. See you next week!
@WhatTheFFacts: On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.