*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.