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@LMHPhotog: Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him.
"Who unfollowed me?"
@MenHumor: Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can't read Bella's mind is because there's nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.
@KevinBuffalo: Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.
@singing_ghosts: [texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don't love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
"it was 6 days ago. I was mad"
@jewfacekilla: I'm my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
@1Happytwit: I'm going commando for Valentines day. He's going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.