*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.


Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume


I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.


Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”


The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners