Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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I didn’t kill any moths with my mothballs…
My aim is just terrible!
Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs
My dogs: -17
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners