@Skoogeth

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

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@BoomBoomBetty

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

@daddydoubts

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

@FeralFerrell

I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I’ll need the whole thing for later. Perhaps I could have a piece of yours as you aren’t using it.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.

@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

@CatsVsHumanity

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

@DrakeGatsby

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?