I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.
You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I put the “native” in descriminative…
Wait, that’s not good.