Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

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I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.


[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now


if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me


Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it


Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.


That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.


[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.


Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice