Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.


“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.


“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist


I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.


i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it


And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.


My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.


I put the “native” in descriminative…

Wait, that’s not good.