Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.