JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.