@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

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@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

@GrantTanaka

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@moooooog35

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

@CourtneyBale

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

@donni

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

@DaveSirus

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.