Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
boat question
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”