@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

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@HatfieldAnne

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

@UrbanDouchebag

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.

Love,

-Tim

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@briangaar

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

@WindPushedGrass

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

– White people at Indian Buffets

@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

@anylaurie16

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.