Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”