Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
You Might Also Like
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
#parenting
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.