Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.