Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango


Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi


If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.


*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”


Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam


I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.


Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”


Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.


Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?