Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
12653.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today