ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
%) I love you guys
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
*hides bag of steaks*
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”