@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

You Might Also Like

@Brampersandon_

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

@corinnemlwsw

This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

@GroovyTasia

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

@AndyLeeman91

If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0

@Wuttercuerk

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

@TheAlexP

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”