Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
✌🏽
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad