2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
What do we want?
When do we want them?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.