@medievalfun

Jesus:”table for 26 please”

Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”

J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”

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@Ivsy01

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@rachelle_mandik

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

@DadandBuried

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

@AndreyasAsylum

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.