[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
How dude HOW?!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them