The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
smartest karate player in the world
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.