How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal