Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.


Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being


On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.


Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.


Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.


DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]


Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.


A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.


On Halloween I’m going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we’re going through with this election.