Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?