Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on