Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Traveler’s camo
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE