Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
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Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
The sequel to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is just a series of horrified people finding parts of missing kids in their chocolate bars
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[takes a sip at wine tasting]
Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.