Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
oh my god
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list