Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You Might Also Like
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!