Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis