wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”