@jon_snow_420

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

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@TheHyyyype

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

@bourgeoisalien

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

@bombsydoll

Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.

@panmidwest

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

@5exyunchained

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

@SteveKoehler22

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

@bornmiserable

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”