jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem