@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

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@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

@copymama

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school