@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

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@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@JaneBadall

In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@GoldenSpirals

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@girl_a_whirl

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???