Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

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Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.


In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.


Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.


Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.


If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.


I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*


A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.


I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.