Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.