So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35