Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on