If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You Might Also Like
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.