Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
J: What’s that awful thing called…
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
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*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
friend: “we should have a drink sometime”
*never contacts them again*