Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

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-asking for a friend


Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”


HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.


I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.


Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.


I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.


Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.


Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..


ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no