Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Who says great literature is dead?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
me opening up to someone
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process