@UncleDuke1969

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

-asking for a friend

@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@TheBoydP

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@a_simpl_man

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

@ThaJawn

Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no