How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?
-asking for a friend
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
J: What’s that awful thing called…
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.
Her: Where’s your son?
Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no