Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
when revenge coincides with naptime
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did