ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
*blows birthday candles
Candles: I don’t want anything serious
Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.