Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.

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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.


I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.


[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”


A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox


wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]


One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.


*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious


Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.


Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.