JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.