Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
every college guy’s fridge
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Your honor these allegations are
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
@funTweeters I am at your service….